Child Labor Day
Tomorrow is Labor Day. And although it continues to be one of the year's most anticipated and highly regarded holidays, this year I thought we would throw a monkey wrench into the system. Switch it up. Add another shade of blue.
Here is my proposition: while all working adults are at home barbequing, sitting in traffic on the way home from their quaint weekend getaway spot, or sitting in a sweltering baseball stadium- all children (that means anyone under the age of 18 defined the national government, arbitrary or not) will go to their parents place of employment this labor day and carryout their parent's contracted positions to the best of their abilities.
I recognize this could cause some serious problems. For example, I know very few six year olds who are tall enough to perform open-heart surgery. I realize that there are stools and steps on wheels that are manufactured specifically for these types of situations. But the bottom line is that they are extremely unstable and, therefore both the doctor and patient would be at great risk.
And what about a truck driver? Could a 12 year old have the discipline to drive all the way from Charlotte, NC to Milwaukee, WI with a trailer full of hostess cupcakes and be trusted not to delve into the stash? In Wisconsin, this kind of shortage could result in a riot. But with all risks considered, I still think the United States of America will benefit more than they will lose from what I would like to deem from here on out as Child Labor Day.
Let's now consider some of the benefits. This is not intended to be a stab at the federal government, but if elected officials were replaced with their children (well, maybe not their children, but a few 7 year olds would do), necessary apologies would be made and troops would come home. This is about the age when children start seeing in colors other than black and white although ostensibly, this ability occasionally skips a generation.
Now lets turn to professional sports. Many children would be willing to sign a one-day contract for right around $20. Assuming the players will not be paid on Child Labor Day, the total money saved will amount to somewhere between 3 billion and 16 gazillion dollars. This extra capital could be put towards hurricane relief efforts, Tsunami victims, energy conservation programs, and national baklava day. Baklava is extremely underrated.
And for my last example I would like to consider the unemployed family. In this odd but increasingly common situation both a housewife mom and a stay at home dad are fused together to become an overly attentive parenting unit, undoubtedly causing all sorts of psychological problems. On Child Labor Day the parents and the children will switch roles, ideally resulting in a newfound sensitivity and appreciation for each other's positions that could evolve from no amount of therapy. The child will begin to understand the reasoning and theory behind swearing at the vacuum then downing a glass of brandy. And the parents will begin to understand why computer games and television are more rewarding than interacting with live human beings.
But risks and benefits aside, I truly imagine the greatest part of Child Labor Day, the part that will make it all seem worthwhile, as being the visual and auditory imagery. Teenagers speeding to their corporate offices in Mustangs and Saabs. Toddlers, post toddlers, and preteens, pacing the sidewalks, sweating through their formal wear. Slang full shrills coming from all different directions. Dirty diapers and peanut butter and jelly sandwich crusts, sticking to copy machines, examination tables, and file cabinets. Limbless GI Joe's and perfectly groomed Barbie dolls cluttering conference rooms. Subway toll operators sitting on a countless number of phone books, lawyers trying to sue for candy, and cameramen filming each other pick their noses. Finally a day of purity.
If all goes well, a year from tomorrow we will be able to wish each other a happy Child Labor Day!
Here is my proposition: while all working adults are at home barbequing, sitting in traffic on the way home from their quaint weekend getaway spot, or sitting in a sweltering baseball stadium- all children (that means anyone under the age of 18 defined the national government, arbitrary or not) will go to their parents place of employment this labor day and carryout their parent's contracted positions to the best of their abilities.
I recognize this could cause some serious problems. For example, I know very few six year olds who are tall enough to perform open-heart surgery. I realize that there are stools and steps on wheels that are manufactured specifically for these types of situations. But the bottom line is that they are extremely unstable and, therefore both the doctor and patient would be at great risk.
And what about a truck driver? Could a 12 year old have the discipline to drive all the way from Charlotte, NC to Milwaukee, WI with a trailer full of hostess cupcakes and be trusted not to delve into the stash? In Wisconsin, this kind of shortage could result in a riot. But with all risks considered, I still think the United States of America will benefit more than they will lose from what I would like to deem from here on out as Child Labor Day.
Let's now consider some of the benefits. This is not intended to be a stab at the federal government, but if elected officials were replaced with their children (well, maybe not their children, but a few 7 year olds would do), necessary apologies would be made and troops would come home. This is about the age when children start seeing in colors other than black and white although ostensibly, this ability occasionally skips a generation.
Now lets turn to professional sports. Many children would be willing to sign a one-day contract for right around $20. Assuming the players will not be paid on Child Labor Day, the total money saved will amount to somewhere between 3 billion and 16 gazillion dollars. This extra capital could be put towards hurricane relief efforts, Tsunami victims, energy conservation programs, and national baklava day. Baklava is extremely underrated.
And for my last example I would like to consider the unemployed family. In this odd but increasingly common situation both a housewife mom and a stay at home dad are fused together to become an overly attentive parenting unit, undoubtedly causing all sorts of psychological problems. On Child Labor Day the parents and the children will switch roles, ideally resulting in a newfound sensitivity and appreciation for each other's positions that could evolve from no amount of therapy. The child will begin to understand the reasoning and theory behind swearing at the vacuum then downing a glass of brandy. And the parents will begin to understand why computer games and television are more rewarding than interacting with live human beings.
But risks and benefits aside, I truly imagine the greatest part of Child Labor Day, the part that will make it all seem worthwhile, as being the visual and auditory imagery. Teenagers speeding to their corporate offices in Mustangs and Saabs. Toddlers, post toddlers, and preteens, pacing the sidewalks, sweating through their formal wear. Slang full shrills coming from all different directions. Dirty diapers and peanut butter and jelly sandwich crusts, sticking to copy machines, examination tables, and file cabinets. Limbless GI Joe's and perfectly groomed Barbie dolls cluttering conference rooms. Subway toll operators sitting on a countless number of phone books, lawyers trying to sue for candy, and cameramen filming each other pick their noses. Finally a day of purity.
If all goes well, a year from tomorrow we will be able to wish each other a happy Child Labor Day!
posted by mikedon at 5:18 PM
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