Thoughts From God

While eating cebiche with the man who I built Valentina the monkey´s cage with and his girlfriend, I was informed that the recent hurricanes were a punishment. A punishment from the one and only, omnipotent, greater being. I´m not going to lie, this was a bit of a surprise to me. Actually, I was shocked. I have been listening to the radio and reading the New York times online daily, and I hadn´t heard the slightest peep of god being this angry. So I thought about it a while and came to the conclusion that god isn´t punishing us. God isn´t even angry. These people must be crazy. Perhaps a few bricks shy of a load.

Several days later I sat outside my office of psychology with a patient as we were waiting for Henry, the other psychologist to finish up. She was a woman of about 65 years old and seemed to have all her eggs in the crate. And for a while we held a reasonably conventional conversation. But sure enough, she too let me in on the news that god is punishing the world with all sorts of natural disasters. According to this woman, god is extremely bitter and upset that man and woman in Spain are allowing gay marriage. I thought about it more. Several people have now told me that god is punishing us, so there must be some validity. Maybe gay marriage is exacerbating cancer, AIDS, genocide, and world hunger. Or maybe acts of medieval homosexuality caused these problems in the first place.

I looked up at god for some answers. What I found was a poster hung high and mighty on the wall that read, "A world without values is a world that destroys itself."

Ah yes, I thought. Values are exactly what the world needs.

I excused myself on account of a rumbling stomach and headed for the bathroom. On the toilet seat sat several large drops of pee, which I nearly sat down in. Huh? This must be a punishment, I thought.

Please, before you sit in someone else´s urine, lift the seat and check your values.