Have it!

Friday I ran a 5k on a dirt and rock track. It was my slowest time in 7 years.
I have learned that I really like pizza.
Tampons are really expensive here. I mean like wicked expensive.
Finally, someone told a lie. The waitress at the chifa told us no meat and there was meat.
Rubin is a man that is supposed to be schizophrenic. In my mind he is just curious. And grateful to be alive. It just so happens I see Rubin everyday and he yells "Michael" like he is trying to wake some one up from a coma.
Conversions are really important here. Remember, always use the celcius to ferenheight formula when dealing with any number. Especially time. If some one says 30 minutes. Stick that in the formula and you are all set.

Thoughts From God

While eating cebiche with the man who I built Valentina the monkey´s cage with and his girlfriend, I was informed that the recent hurricanes were a punishment. A punishment from the one and only, omnipotent, greater being. I´m not going to lie, this was a bit of a surprise to me. Actually, I was shocked. I have been listening to the radio and reading the New York times online daily, and I hadn´t heard the slightest peep of god being this angry. So I thought about it a while and came to the conclusion that god isn´t punishing us. God isn´t even angry. These people must be crazy. Perhaps a few bricks shy of a load.

Several days later I sat outside my office of psychology with a patient as we were waiting for Henry, the other psychologist to finish up. She was a woman of about 65 years old and seemed to have all her eggs in the crate. And for a while we held a reasonably conventional conversation. But sure enough, she too let me in on the news that god is punishing the world with all sorts of natural disasters. According to this woman, god is extremely bitter and upset that man and woman in Spain are allowing gay marriage. I thought about it more. Several people have now told me that god is punishing us, so there must be some validity. Maybe gay marriage is exacerbating cancer, AIDS, genocide, and world hunger. Or maybe acts of medieval homosexuality caused these problems in the first place.

I looked up at god for some answers. What I found was a poster hung high and mighty on the wall that read, "A world without values is a world that destroys itself."

Ah yes, I thought. Values are exactly what the world needs.

I excused myself on account of a rumbling stomach and headed for the bathroom. On the toilet seat sat several large drops of pee, which I nearly sat down in. Huh? This must be a punishment, I thought.

Please, before you sit in someone else´s urine, lift the seat and check your values.

Clear as an Eight Ball

Ring ring ring. What´s that sound? The phone? Nope! It´s another birthday. Ring ring ring. A fake birthday that is. Today was birthday celebration number three that I have participated in during the last month and today was birthday celebration number three that was not celebrating anyone´s birthday. Ring ring ring. What´s that I hear? Oh yes, I hear another birthday celebration tomorrow night at 7pm arriba, at O´Peeley´s house.

This all seems a bit odd, right? Well, here´s my theory: People don´t have birthdays here. Of course every one was born on a specific date. For example, April 12th, 1974 is a date. And someone if not more than one person was born on that day here in Peru. So every one has a date of birth. But birthdays are different. Birthdays are both the day you are born on and the day that you celebrate the day that you are born on. With that definition in mind, I have concluded that no one here has birthdays. The birthday celebrations take place days, weeks, months, sometimes years before and after the actual date of birth. And often there is no one in particular who´s birthday is being celebrated at these boisterous soirees.

In the end, every one goes home happy and fullfilled. Two guys swap clothes in the middle of a busy street, both getting completely butt naked in front of hundreds of spectators. A little boy pees on a tree in the plaza while another little boy watches the streem of urine choose its path. And "man of few words" finally speaks.

Crazy Gringos

It seems to me that I am an awful dancer. In fact, when I watch Peruvians dance it seems to me that most of us gringos lack rthym and agility on the dance floor. And when we get out there and try to bounce around to the delicate beats of salsa and merengue, we must look awfully silly. Well, that is at least what I thought until this weekend. Allow me to explain. Saturday afternoon, with the monkey in arms, Carmen, the next door neighbor made an invitation. "Do you want to go to a festival 2 hours away in a small town called ichocan? We will be back by dawn monday morning." After stopping to buy several different kinds of fruits and dulces, and stopping once to pick up a hitchhiker and once to drop him off, we arrived at the town of ichocan. We were now at 12,000 feet and it was pouring down rain. In fact, the rain did not stop until the next morning but that did not inhibit anyone. So I met the mayor and had a few drinks with him. I danced for hours in the pouring rain. There were 2 live bands and hundreds of people dancing in the streets. I danced normal for me but a little crazier. A little faster, a little more innovative. And the result? The result was complements and free drinks. I always laugh at myself when I dance and I assume every one else does as well. But here in Peru it seems as though they have a profound appreciation for the crazy gringos as long as they are truly crazy. Of course it crossed my mind that maybe they just felt sorry for me because I dance like an innebriated dog with only 3 legs, but that thought quickly left me. They bought me drinks, told me my dancing was bonito, lindo, other words that I probably do not understand. And at the end of the night (which never really ended), I thought to myself, crazy Peruvians. They truly think I dance bonito. They are truly crazy. So in the end we are all crazy. Crazy gringos and crazy Peruvians alike.

October

October has come and for those living in the United States that means a number of things; the start of fall, the world series, the first full month you have to start doing homework and taking exams, daylight savings time, and of course Halloween. But here in Cajamarca none of these things exist. And to be completely truthful I´m not exactly sure what October brings in this dusty Andean city. So now I will drone on about what I think will happen during the month of October in Cajamarca, Peru. Here are my predictions:

On the 7th of the month a beauty contest will take place and the winner will be given two donkeys and a pig.

On the 10th, my father´s Peruvian twin will celebrate his birthday in the plaza de armas. The entire city will be there with pisco sour in their hands.

On the 15th, the president of Peru will demand that all guiney pigs be slaughtered and eaten immediatly upon hearing that someone was keeping one as a pet.

On the 22th, there will be an earthquake, a tornado and a flood. No one will get killed or injured but 7 chickens will be reported missing.

On the 27th, six of the seven chickens will be found on a farm just outside the city crossdressed as sheep.

On the 31st, families will prepare to celebrate dia de los muertos. The seventh chicken will be found on a dinner table pretending to be dead.